still here...

i have a lot of shyet to do, but instead i'd rather write. i'm still at work at 5:43pm, and i'm trying to maintain some sort of balance with all the shyet i need to take care of before monday. i'm looking at all the things i have to do, and i'm sorting them piece by piece and i hope that it will all work out for the best.

i decided to take one thing at a time.

then i read something one of my students wrote and i empathized with her, almost feeling silly because she's a high school student and i'm an "adult." i came back to my room only to read something else, that made me almost burst into tears, so here i am, in front of you desktop writing with no real purpose. just a means of letting all my thoughts out somewhere besides within me: i'm still sad.

this week has been definitely been better than last week. i've been trying to keep an open mind about myself, about what's going on around me, and if this is the moment that i really need to seize and make mine. when we make decisions about things, we are frightened by the outcome because we don't know if it'll be positive or negative. we don't know if the choices we make are going to ever be the right ones. sometimes we just have to do it and be okay, and not regret because there is a reason for everything. As cliche as it is, we we will never understand some of the situations we are in, why a person has come and gone into our lives, and why we are so afraid to let go.

i look around my classroom, and i am afraid to let go of this world i have become accustomed to: the abuse i've endured from students day after day, week after week, year after year; to running around campus trying to find a worksheet or an activity that i KNOW i had last year; to having to reason with myself that taking that night class will gaurantee me a better job; to see that all the materials we have here is not enough.

the scary thing is...i like it.

we all have dreams of what our lives would be by this age, and there are the fortunate ones that are able to carry out those dreams. at this moment, i feel like my dream has been either postponed or changed. i feel like my life is ALMOST where it's supposed to be. it feels so close, yet so far away. funny, isn't that always the case though?

=T